What did I do today??? Where do I start???

Well, i'm 18, I'm in a steady relationship with a guy that i'll call B.. since hm nearly 3 years... we are supposed to get married in less than 5 months but he's doing NO preparations, doesn't want to talk about preparations.. i finally decided that i won't force him to do anything he doesn't want to do..

I've put an ultimatum though, i said that if the preparations are not ready for the fixed date, i won't marry him in church. i mean, i don't want to postpone, either we marry on THAT date or we marry only legally. signing of paper etc etc.. I dont' know if it's wrong or right .. it's only so as not to get deceived again in a relationship...

I must admit that i'm not a strong kind of girl. i may be overweight but inside i'm just a fragile heart who had too many dreams, too many expectations and too much trust to give...

I love music, i wanted to become a singer before.. i don't sing like whitney houston or whoever but i can manage... but my actual boyfriend hates music.. he doesn't like to listen to music and when i sing i can see it bothers him. this in turn bothers me as in a couple, i thought we had to share everything and all. but he's so different.. i agreed to make a compromise with him : i'll do whatever he wants me to do.. something like sports, drama, arts, music, dance.. ANYTHING>>> even GYM.. but he doesn't want to do anything.. his only excuse: no time.. but we do have time to go to casino everyday... we lose we win.. it's static.. it's never :BIG WIN> .. so in the end, we lost more than we won but i can't say anything...

dear diary.. as i'm writing i really want to cry... for the last few days, i've been having trouble keeping a boy out of my mind.. i know that it's only temporary but i can't help it....
between my boyfriend and me, there are no sparks left as we have almost nothing in common...

That other guy's name is CHRIS.. .and he plays guitar.. he's my bf's friend.. [casual friend, not good friends], one day while my bf was playing computer games [cyber], chris and me and another friend were singing, playing guitar.. we spent about 4-5 hours singing, playing, etc etc.. my bf was just there listening and playing computer games and never once, he turned to comment about it...

But i enjoyed the moment so much [to sing and not have comments like: stop singing,i'm having a headache.. you're breaking my ears'..] and we were so much into the music... i enjoyed his company so much..

i don't what to say... i'm crying right now because my heart is breaking. how come i dream about this boy when i'm with my boyfriend? how come?


there is not only one disaster in my life dear diary.. i dropped school at 15 and i don't regret it but i feel like a failure.. i wasn't brilliant in school and was always below average... now i'm taking a course in beauty therapy but the problem is here also i'm having problems.. i get depressed when i know there is so much to learn.... at the start of the course i asked if it were only practicals, they said 75% practicals and 25% theory... i love doing practicals but the theory is so much.....

i never enjoyed learning and studying... i only loved learning how to crochet [practice] and i love doing bracelets but i hate anything theory...

god help me,, my life is a mess, i'm a mess, my heart matter's a mess...
chris is only about 1 or 2 years older than me.. i always vowed never to go out with someone less than 5 years older than me.. pff it's not like he wants to date me either..


why am i thinking about this/??? why??? I have no intention in leaving my boyfriend, except music, he's patient, he's very caring, very affectionate.. and this is why it's breaking my heart.. i'm feeling guilty.. beat me, kill me,, i hate my situation. i've always been in bad situations but now i want to see clear light...

:roll:

minichris don't be so hard on yourself! ok, you dropped school and now you are taking a course... it's a beginning, it's good. But you have to learn a bit so that you can finish that course and maybe you will find a good job, who knows? I don't like theory either, but i learn so i can have an idea of what the theory says...

As for Chris, if i were you i wouldn't do anything for now... give it some time and see what happens. maybe it's just a crush or maybe you feel that he is the right one and just don't know it yet... You will know that at the right moment.

minichris, no one here is gonna beat you or say anything against you. Don't worry. You are a NORMAL person with normal feelings and reactions. Don't think bad of you because you are not bad

I think that the new career you're preparing for is just awesome. Try to get along with that quarter of theory and enjoy the practice. Learn smart: don't try to recite the lessons: try to make a scheme of the most important things you need to know. WRITE IT DOWN and try to understand everything. Think about the things you already know from practice and it's gonna stick to your mind. I don't think you're bellow average, I think you never knew how to learn ... you don't have to know everything by heart, you need to UNDERSTAND what functions and why and you'll see that you're gonna do just great. Try to beat that sense of "I hate this" .. you'll get over this and then be able to work in the new job. And it's gonna pay off, trust me

If you already have some experience and enjoy the practical side, that means you know many things. Try to connect them to the theory and you'll see it's working

As for the relationship .. we all go through this. We all have some friends we start liking one day and see many things our BF doesn't have. Try to re-think about WHY you love your BF and what makes him special. If you still have many things that prove you're in love and there is a good relationship, just go on. If you really feel like you have nothing in common anymore, maybe it's time to think about something else. Don't take music as something to show you're not OK anymore together. It's normal for teh both of you to have separate hobbies. My guy never loved martial arts for instance. He's not into this at all, while I loved it very much. It doesn't make us a disfunctional couple, it just adds some more spice. As long as you both respect each other's hobbies, it's OK.

As for the other guy .. try to know him better and study his reactions .. maybe he's a good guy, maybe it's just a facade and he's gonna prove in time to be less nice than you think now ... people act differently in a relationship and in a friendship .. he might be the right guy just as your current BF might be the one

As for your guy to not be into celebrations ... he's just a man. These people have something against such "complications" .. so .. if you want this to be fine, just do it yourself .. he's not bad or uncaring, he's just a man :twisted:

I am sad to see you are in such a bad mood, but it's gonna be just fine. Just try to enjoy your life and remember you are a special women. You love and you are loved. Do you have hobbies? Pursue them in your spare time. Get some singing lessons if it makes you feel so happy. I used to sing in a choir when I was young, I KNOW how music can give you that heavenly feeling See if you can join a small band ... nothing too serious to distract you from the job or the relation, but 1-2 hours here and there to be yourself.

Don't give up that course. Just try to stick with it and finish and then be able to work. I am sure you'll do just fine. Take is as a challenge and prove to yourself YOU CAN MAKE IT. You have so much energy in you ... use it

thanks for replying... you made me cry when i was reading your posts!!!


i'm not going to do anything about chris. he's not the one for me. i'm sure. i love his voice, i love it when he plays his guitar or when he looks at me. but he would never look twice at me and i am not that crual.. i can't do that to my poor bf.. he would kill me if he knew that i ever had other feelings for another.. we never had anything in common but still, it worked for a long time... the problem is me i think, i'm changing, everyday things are frustrating me... I need more of everything and that's why our relationship is not like it used to be..

My bf is so caring and affectionate... I'm different, i'm afraid to show my feelings, since the beginning of the relationship 3 years ago almost, i didn't show much of my feelings... i would never hug me if he didn't start the hug, i wouldn't say 'i love you" if he didn't say it first, i would never kiss him if he didn't do it first.. well, it's complicated... i don't know.. chris is just an illusion... anyway he wouldn't look at me twice... i'm going to get married and that's what's important, i'm going to have children and stop thinking about him. it's just a road with lots of obstacles but i'm going to hold on....

I'm going to do a table..

BF: affectionate, caring, patient, but not interested in wedding preparations, not interested in music, not interested in dancing, not interested in any kind of sports that i wanna do.
Chris: great guitarist, great singer, great smile BUT - younger than my bf, chinese origin, geez i hate you man for complicating my life!!!

for at least 30 hours i listened to a song that chris put on his website.. it's not a very good site.. pretty plain, the music also is not that good. but he sang that one day and it was really good...
i think i already made a big NO NO on him but still, he had an impact on me, in the sense that nowadays, i look for cover versions of people singing other famous artists.. for example on youtube.. i SEE those people playing and singing for real. and it sounds so much better..

Right now i'm listening to Marc Lavoine - je ne veux qu'elle... a duo between 2 users [that i don't know] but they are really really talented.. i havent seen her face but she sings in karaoke... most of her songs are disney [which i dont' listen to] but wow, i'm been really impressed.. her voice is so good.. i wish i were like that...

ranting ranting... yeah.. i wish i were slimmer, prettier, better singer...

oh yeah.. chris is only 19.. i think that put me off.. i'm not a pedophilia.. lol i know i'm younger.. it's just a joke for me.. anytime I see a guy who's same age/younger/little age gap. i don't like it.. i like it when the guys are much older than me.. .

anyway i didn't have the intention of leaving my boyfriend.. we went to book the restauren yesterday... omg.. it's so final.. but my dress must be wonderful.. that's good. it's in pink and white..

We all have our "ifs and buts and what should I dos" ... it's good that you have decided what your life will be like and what to do with Chris and the BF. I can understand your feelings .. don't worry .. we all have these questions once in our life at least.

Don't worry that much about your BF not sharing your passions. As long as he doesn't stop you from pursuing your hobbies, it's OK. If he said: no, you cannot go to dance, no, I forbid you to go singin etc. .. then we'd have a problem.

Just try and see what you can do to have an awesome ceremony, as I told you .. most men won't bother with such things, it's in their "blood" .. And have fun. You're 18 ... it's a splendid age, don't waste time with worries and sadness

Chris has been for me an escape of the real world.. i don't know, how do i explain him? when i was looking at his picture, it was like a dream.. but knowing he's only 19... [i'm 18] makes me weird.. i can't help but comment " pfff you're only 19" when i look at his picture...

on one hand i'm glad to no longer want to be with him, but still, it was an escape from reality...
i don't know if i already mentioned it but I like writing lyrics.. i have some trouble to compose the music but i've tried to composed a few and some i like, others not so.... now that i have chris, i'm relying on him to compose my music.. he's really good with his guitar... while i'm shit with my piano... lol.. guitar i'm even more nooobbb... i wish i could use his picture as avatar but what if he came by? just by reading this diary he would recognise me! i'm sure i'm the only one who's getting married this year, who write lyrics, who is 18 and has a bf of 28, and asked him to compose for me... well, i guess the combination of all this will betray me and he would instantly say... here that's HER!!!!

yesterday we had an argument my bf and me.. while he was returned me home, i begged let's take ballroom dance classes on saturday, he said he didn't have time [we HAVE time], so i said, instead of going to cyber all this time, we can take one or two hours to dance.. he says NO saturday is his day etc etc etc... i was frustrated and angry so when he was preparing to kiss me goodbye [lips] i gave him my cheek.. he said, you don't wanna kiss me? i said NO.. good night. luv you. bye...

i was really frustrated.. after 2 years of BEGGING him to dance with me, he still doesn't want to... hate that part of him.. he has noooooo interest in anything i want..

I love writing, it's a hobby of mine, specially if it's for babbling nonsense.

i came here as i don't want to cry.... To control my tears, i'm pouring everything in words... For the past few hours, i've been listening to a song by Leann Rimes - I probably wouldn't be this way..
I don't know if it's the lyrics or the tune, but something about this song makes me want to cry.. tears are forming but i will fight this!
I guess i will soon write another song... Everytime I wanna cry, I write a song.. sometimes it turns out good, sometimes not..

I've wrote so much that i no longer know if i've said about the last song i wrote. it's been all about chris. hmm, i've exaggerated a bit but then i guess it no longer apply to my case anyway. the song has no meaning anymore.. i dont know ... i'm so weird.. i guess i'll post a part of the song.... hihi.. for copyright reason i'd rather not write all.. i mean. i DON"T have copyrights... that's why i'm taking precautions..

I can't go on like this
Your face is haunting my thoughts
You keep smiling to me
I know, this is just a dream

one more verse here

Chorus:
I'm ready to go where my dreams lead me to
Knowing too well, that it's you
your voice stays in my memory
I can't help it , i wish you were singing for me
can't fake it, i'm falling in love


another verse i wont' write here,

an ocean of my love
that's what i'm giving your heart
a lifetime of devotion
that's what i'm giving you...

chorus again


BRIDGE..

I've wrote a few dozens songs [if i count for the previous years] and i only have a couple compositions [with music] and this is one of them.. i have the music for it... i looked for the tune and worked hard to find the chords on the piano though i don't play as i would want it to sound.. but what's important is that i have the tune.. i even recorded it on my mobile... the sound is very bad but i can guess the tune.. i often forget the tunes i work on... there are songs with music 4 years ago, i've written the chords but i completely forgot the tune... i guess a good investment of my part would be a digital dictaphone.. these are soooo expensive.... I wish i could get those at a price equal to a day's meal.. lol i would sacrifice that for it...

I'm talking nonsense...

I put a picture here.. if someone wants to look at it, let me know.. well, of course i won't show everyone. maybe only the admin or mods here.. and some of those who are regular active members.. i just ope chris is NOT of this forum... .

well, i've got 28 minutes, i'll see what i can write during this time.. yes.. that bitch in the picture; i want to slap her.. she's just a slut, look at how she's holding chris.. + she's NOT his gf... i wonder why she has to do that.... you hold your BF like that, not a simple friend. and she's not pretty at all.. i'm sure chris would have gotten better than her [not talking about me here] .. i'm over him.. i'm ok.. doing fine... life is cool i guess.. i'll be committing myself more in music.. sing more.. and drown in music..

the little girls in the picture are cute, yes. but the big one NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO... i hope no one knows her or him.... lucky i didn't write my name here... and don't ask me my name.. i will have to lie... too many personal things in here. if my bf comes to know about it. i'm dead meat.. Do you think it's his cousin?? hmm nope..

anyway, as from today i'm NO longer going to talk about him.. i'm really disappointed in him.. 19 years old... still so young...

dear diary, i think i'm crazy.. for some time i even THOUGHT about kissing him.. i'm a slut.. i'm a whore. .thinking about kissing another guy when i already have my bf... i need to be punished.. i want to find something to heal my head.. i'm crazy.... i must be mentally disturbed.. i hate cheating and yet i thought about it.. i wanted, i have to admit, i wanted him to like me a little..

i even imagined how it would have been... when i thought about it.. i imagined a conversation between him and me ... we were discussing about how it was impossible between us because of my bf.. and then he just kissed me.. it was wonderful.. just like a dream...

Fck.. .i hate myself for having written that... i don't like him anymore.. i don't like him.. i didn't like him in the first time.. i only liked the fact that he sang and played guitar.. i like his voice but not him.. he's too young for me... but then, EVEN if he were older, i wouldn't want to be with him.. he's nothing to me.. nothing to me. nothing to me. nothing to me. nothing to me.. i hate myself...

living day by day,
dreaming my life away
need you by my side
you = my bf...

i want to be talented in something.. i want to be proud of myself not to show off but just to have self satisfaction but i don't have any pride in myself.. i'm too fat, i sing too badly.. i can't play guitar or piano well.. i can't crochet that well.. hate it.. i hate the situation i'm in.. iwhat if i'm really mad.. what if i' don't deserve to live?? dear diary you just tell me. show me the way to follow.. i really need to find a reason....

i think it's the song that i'm listening that's giving me ideas... . lips of an angel - hinder.. it's the favourite song of that bastard.. ..

I often asked myself what i would do if i knew when my death would be? what if it's in one month :
i wouldn't make any wedding plans..
i would spend all my money in chocolates. LOL..
going to swimming pool and even sleep in if possible .. i love swimming
i would go on t.v shows to sing.. don't care if i make a fool of myself, i'm dying anyway
I would leave my bf to enjoy life alone and free...
i don't know.. .i would cry i guess..... i would not make any efforts to stop smoking.. i would go on trips if i have the money. i would take loans and make a world trip.. it's crazyyyyyyyyyyy

death date in one year?
1. have a baby
2. continue smoking
3. pray i guess for prolongement...


why am i thinking about death, i'm still so young. i want to go to korea and to spain. i wanna travel in all countries of the world.. no cash,no credit.. i think i'll go take a nap.. i'm really sleepyyyy